My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
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[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I want to meet the individual who made this
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Meow
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey