My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.