My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
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[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.