My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
When can I start eating bats again.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
At Walmart during the holidays like..
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine