My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
True freaking story!
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*