My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
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Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press