@Elizasoul80

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

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@daemonic3

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

@Kali_Mura

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

@Playing_Dad

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

@lisaxy424

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

@Token_Geezer

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

@Reverend_Scott

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

@HatfieldAnne

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

@radtoria

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

@Triballistix

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

@Glenny_Baby

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.