My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Oceanography is all about current events
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.