my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
