My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
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Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
rise and shine we got egg
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.