My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.