My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun