My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
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7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Pizza is an emotion right?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If you breakdance you buy dance.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.