My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.