My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
You Might Also Like
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I wanna be friends with this person
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.