My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
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Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present