My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]