My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Shortcut
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away