My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Worth remembering.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.