My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
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ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Who called it baking and not making love
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.