My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
You Might Also Like
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”