My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
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Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?