My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
B
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere