@fckboyseatpizza I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
@urmumsausername My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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@fckboyseatpizza 
@Dahmerscookpot Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
@dshack8 50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
@catstronomical me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
@carlyken *walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
@errdayhustlah *gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
@eff_yeah_steph Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
@EyalTweet *beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
@KyleMcDowell86 My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
@tigersgoroooar Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”