My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.