my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE