My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I’m giving up ice.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet