My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Ron is short for Aaronald
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
When libraries troll their patrons.
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How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc