My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
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Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3