My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?