My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍