Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

Two types of dogs.

It’s on my to-do list.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.