My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
channeling her this year
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I came this close!!!!
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try