My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
You Might Also Like
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.