My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
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Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Our lord and savoury.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.