My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
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I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.