My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.