My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
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*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
What’s so funny?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.