My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
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Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*