My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
accurate
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
ugh not again
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!