My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.