My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
You Might Also Like
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
the clam before the storm
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.