My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
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Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Guilty! 🤪
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”