Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

#parenting

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.