My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler