*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while