My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
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a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat