My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
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I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep