My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here