[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
A classic…
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?