“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
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My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery