my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.