My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
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Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Wise advice
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
lmao
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda